From the personals ad:

Yes, I’m serious here………………
Looking for a Girl to practice Kissing with, as I wanna be considered
a very Good Kisser. If it turns into something More, Great! if not that’s ok too.
On a Scale of one to 10, I’m almost a 8, so Please be around there too.
I’m slender & tall, so I like slender & between 25ish & 35ish.
(I’m sweet, witty & funny too!!)

This type of thing just doesn’t sound cute any more once you’re out of middle school. You’ve should have had at least 2 decades of experience at 36 and becoming worried about being a good kisser now just seems a little silly.

Kissing is Fun, right?

Seriously, we can’t make this stuff up:

I have a huge hot tub, i’m going to fill it with homemade marinara sauce. Let’s get naked and sit in it. I’ll be wearing a Rolex and Ray-Bans. I’ll put some Barbara Streisand or some Wu-Tang Clan on the stereo. Nothing too sexual, just nudity and marinara sauce.

Everything about this listing is strange… although we have to admit it might be fun to hang out naked in some marinara, presumably with some mozzarella sticks, but we didn’t realize Barbara Streisand or Wu-Tang Clan was the appropriate musical choice for this activity. Clearly we have much to learn from this guy.

Sit in a hot tub full of marinara sauce with me - m4w

Dude, your listing sounds more like a bad pitch by a shady car salesman than a personal ad:

Curious but…shy? And maybe a little scared? I know where you’re coming from.

It’s a world full of crazies and men who want to take advantage of you, so what’s a girl to do? Why not hook up with a sane, gentle, very giving and open-minded guy, who will make you feel at ease and allow you to be the sexual woman that you are.

If you’re looking for some relaxed foreplay, sensuous kissing and touching and fondling and blissful orgasms, then get in touch.

What’s the catch? No catch. I simply enjoy sharing the sexual pleasures of a woman and being the giver of that pleasure. The discovery and physical exploration of sex is a great turn on. Let me see if I can find the right spots on your body.

Please be D/D-free, orgasmic, and HWP.

I think the catch is sleeping with a 50 year old man who just wants to fool around and won’t commit to a relationship.

Curious but…shy? And maybe a little scared? - m4w - 50

Ladies, I don’t know about the rest of you but I personally won’t date a man without benefits… maybe healthcare, free parking downtown or perhaps an allowance. That’s why this guy sounds okay in my book.

From the personals ad:

Girlfriend With Benefits - - - - - - Includes Monthly Allowance

Hi,

Busy single white guy with a little extra cash to spend on a new girl. When I was a kid, having an allowance was a great stress reducer and it made me appreciate things more. I am looking for an attractive, slender/athletic, fun, open minded sweet young babe, under 30, for regular (twice weekly) visits. Kinda like a Boy-Friend Lite perhaps.

No drama. Tell me a little about yourself (please be descriptive = age, height, weight, area, interests, times available, etc), and please include a GOOD photo (IF you want a response, and mine in return, that is). Don’t be shy. I’m a nice, normal, easy going respectful guy.

Yeah, real normal. It’s not prostitution… it’s just like when I was a kid and got allowance. See, it’s INNOCENT like a small child. Well, to be fair, most men do this more or less with gifts, clothes, jewlery—they just don’t spell it out for the girl in so many words.

Girlfriend With Benefits - - - - - - Includes Monthly Allowance

This one starts of strong with the geeky references… and only gets worse. And then it gets weird. Read on in horror.

From the personals ad:

Next time on Batman
(I know I know… holy wall of text batman, luckily I unequipped my other stuff so it only hits for 10 damage)

Yep things get a little weird when you have a poly minded guy, and have some free thinking people to talk to on a regular basis. Looking for everything anyone always wants to be, smart sexy witty and good with cats. The largest part of anything is the ability for us to communicate, and has a conversation with sometimes differing viewpoints. Movies with a love for sci-fi, video games or other such things and an open mind are something desired. Really someone who’s open to a non-standard of the typical and a more open or monogamous poly relationship. Note that I don’t live in my mothers house, seriously that’s a horrible assumption for SciFi geeks.
Another typical stop to the talking with those of the fairer sex includes me being pagan (neo-wiccan). If that bothers you then don’t reply.

/Start Geek_Speak /e
If you know something about computers and can talk to me directly about them, then we might just get off on the right foot but its not really a huge requirement. Right now I’m a windows nerd due to hard drive limitations and issues with WOW being a prick at times with linux users, or maybe its just my extended warranty on my laptop…. oh who knows I forget.
However you don’t have to know everything about the stuff I just prefer someone on my same frequency when babbling incoherently in ADD mode after my fourth cup of coffee.

Biggest bonus to your stats is: an open mind and a open heart!
RPGS: Guy is super nerd GM with powers in GURPS, and DND wields the +30 necklace of creative thinking and nerd herding! We both geek out with Burning wheel a new RPG just released with a very good GM.
/End Geek_Speak

Some information and expectations for the potential mind who wants to know. I do have a S.O. however shes bipolar and severely limited in the feelings department and the sex department due to a double whammy of “Female Sexual Arousal Syndrome” with her debilitating mental disorder. I seek a friend and lover not a replacement to make that perfectly clear!
I’m really looking for a second GF who can love and adore me just as much as a regular GF can, and if your new to this whole concept its called a V (Vee). This isn’t a invitation to move in or become part of the permanent fixtures in the abode unless that’s cool with all involved (Seriously I’m a hermit of sorts that gets nervous in crowds) but if its cool join us on the couch or chair for a game, TV, or movies to enjoy nights and days.

V or Vee
A relationship of three people where one person has two partners, but the partners do not have a strong bond. Two dyads having one person in common. The bonding between the people on the ends of the V can vary wildly depending on the people involved. Example, a triad may sexually be a V but emotionally an equal triad. Or a triad may be sexually and emotionally a V where the partners would split if the focus of their relationship left them.

Wow, so you’ve got a girlfriend already who’s all full of the crazies and she’s not enough to satisfy you so you want another messed up chick to throw into the mix? I guess some people just like masochism. Also, the “Vee” thing was pretty self-explanatory Einstein. If you have to explain that then maybe your standards for this “smart chick” you seek are pretty low.

And what’s with the 4 random pictures of things you like?

Geeky guy for smart chick

Guy? Check.
House? Check.

Even still, this personals ad may be leaving a bit to be desired…

I am palestinian american,and I love to have an all american female to share my life, I live in a nice house and have a nice job, all what I am missing is you, let me hear from you.

It’s nice to know a guy has a decent job and doesn’t live with his parents, but is that enough to start a relationship?

Sadly in this economy it probably is.

seeking my all american dream - m4w - 38

To the woman that crapped in my car… - m4w

I am hoping that this post finds you. I know that it could quite possibly be the most humiliating first date that you have ever been on, but I am willing to look past that.

I thought we had chemistry sitting at McMenamins sharing that basket of Cajun Tots while drinking the Terminator Stout. I really felt like there was a connection there. I found you to be intelligent and witty and looked forward to further conversation with you.

At some point in life, everyone has gambled on a fart and lost. It just happened to be on a first date in the passenger seat of my car. Please don’t feel bad. The package I sent you with Pepto the next day and the note that said “First dates are always a crap shoot. Call me” was meant to be funny, not offensive.

I have gambled on a fart and lost on multiple occasions. The first time I did it was very memorable. It happened when I was five and sitting on my uncle’s lap. I am lactose intolerant, but love cheese. I probably win 95% of the time, but I don’t think anyone wins 100% of the time. That’s why they call it “gambling”. I’m the last person to judge you for crapping your pants. In fact, I am impressed by your boldness. The timing on the other hand, could have been a tad bit better…like when you’re not sitting on a heated leather seat…

What I am trying to say is that if you want to go out again, I would be more than happy to take you someplace where we can get a meal that is high in fiber and less taxing on the digestive tract.

I await your call, Tad

P.S. - If you shat yourself on purpose to end the evening early…Touché…”

Personally, I’m not a gambling man…

Source

This guy is a genius! He’s seeking an ex stripper so he can have all of the benefits of dating a stripper without actually dating a stripper.

From the personals ad:

i dont want 2 speak on my career choice but i do good 4 myself - a real down azz chic money whouldnt be an issue…back 2 da subject i want a part time ex stripper who recently found god and now she want 2 settle down but she will pop it 4 her man kool,funny azz attitude cause i like 2 try 2 be funny ha ha anyway” i gotta couple request…reside on da inside of 285, and shoot me sum pictures atleast 2 damn

(Did you really expect this guy NOT to show a shirtless photo?)

where da luv?