Ladies, I don’t know about the rest of you but I personally won’t date a man without benefits… maybe healthcare, free parking downtown or perhaps an allowance. That’s why this guy sounds okay in my book.

From the personals ad:

Girlfriend With Benefits - - - - - - Includes Monthly Allowance

Hi,

Busy single white guy with a little extra cash to spend on a new girl. When I was a kid, having an allowance was a great stress reducer and it made me appreciate things more. I am looking for an attractive, slender/athletic, fun, open minded sweet young babe, under 30, for regular (twice weekly) visits. Kinda like a Boy-Friend Lite perhaps.

No drama. Tell me a little about yourself (please be descriptive = age, height, weight, area, interests, times available, etc), and please include a GOOD photo (IF you want a response, and mine in return, that is). Don’t be shy. I’m a nice, normal, easy going respectful guy.

Yeah, real normal. It’s not prostitution… it’s just like when I was a kid and got allowance. See, it’s INNOCENT like a small child. Well, to be fair, most men do this more or less with gifts, clothes, jewlery—they just don’t spell it out for the girl in so many words.

Girlfriend With Benefits - - - - - - Includes Monthly Allowance

From the personals ad:

I need a Sugar Daddy who loves BiG GuRlS! Bottom line. If you can take care of me, then I can take care of you. What do you need?

Don’t we all?

Are there any Sugar Daddys left out there???

This woman asks “Wanna Make a Baby?”

From the personals ad:

So here I am, being open and honest to the point of I am sick of messing around with relationships that go nowhere and the dating scene. I am here looking for a real hot, sexy, caring, devoted, and loving man to have a real relationship with and have a family and be happy. If it sounds like you please let me know. If its not dont. Please send a pic.

Nothing says family and baby like the sexy finger in the mouth and lots of eye liner. Besides, I hardly know anything about you other than you want to make a baby… is this really the place for this? It’s one thing to say you want a relationship but slow down honey. I’m having a hard time finding you sexy when all I can think is that you’ll pounce on the next man who promises you belly fruit.

Wanna Make a Baby?!

A friendly reminder to make sure you read online profiles and understand who the person is and what they want from you…

“Head Over Metasoma by Truck Bearing Kibble

Okay, this sounds sincere enough at first…

i am loyal and careing person and looking for a great boyfriend to grow old and share my life wiht
my stats: 5′9”, 140 lbs
this is only for people who is looking for relationship only.
please send ur stats and face picc to get mine

Yes, I want to find someone who wants a relationship. Also, here is a picture of my ass…
(NSFW after the jump)

Read the rest…

This one starts of strong with the geeky references… and only gets worse. And then it gets weird. Read on in horror.

From the personals ad:

Next time on Batman
(I know I know… holy wall of text batman, luckily I unequipped my other stuff so it only hits for 10 damage)

Yep things get a little weird when you have a poly minded guy, and have some free thinking people to talk to on a regular basis. Looking for everything anyone always wants to be, smart sexy witty and good with cats. The largest part of anything is the ability for us to communicate, and has a conversation with sometimes differing viewpoints. Movies with a love for sci-fi, video games or other such things and an open mind are something desired. Really someone who’s open to a non-standard of the typical and a more open or monogamous poly relationship. Note that I don’t live in my mothers house, seriously that’s a horrible assumption for SciFi geeks.
Another typical stop to the talking with those of the fairer sex includes me being pagan (neo-wiccan). If that bothers you then don’t reply.

/Start Geek_Speak /e
If you know something about computers and can talk to me directly about them, then we might just get off on the right foot but its not really a huge requirement. Right now I’m a windows nerd due to hard drive limitations and issues with WOW being a prick at times with linux users, or maybe its just my extended warranty on my laptop…. oh who knows I forget.
However you don’t have to know everything about the stuff I just prefer someone on my same frequency when babbling incoherently in ADD mode after my fourth cup of coffee.

Biggest bonus to your stats is: an open mind and a open heart!
RPGS: Guy is super nerd GM with powers in GURPS, and DND wields the +30 necklace of creative thinking and nerd herding! We both geek out with Burning wheel a new RPG just released with a very good GM.
/End Geek_Speak

Some information and expectations for the potential mind who wants to know. I do have a S.O. however shes bipolar and severely limited in the feelings department and the sex department due to a double whammy of “Female Sexual Arousal Syndrome” with her debilitating mental disorder. I seek a friend and lover not a replacement to make that perfectly clear!
I’m really looking for a second GF who can love and adore me just as much as a regular GF can, and if your new to this whole concept its called a V (Vee). This isn’t a invitation to move in or become part of the permanent fixtures in the abode unless that’s cool with all involved (Seriously I’m a hermit of sorts that gets nervous in crowds) but if its cool join us on the couch or chair for a game, TV, or movies to enjoy nights and days.

V or Vee
A relationship of three people where one person has two partners, but the partners do not have a strong bond. Two dyads having one person in common. The bonding between the people on the ends of the V can vary wildly depending on the people involved. Example, a triad may sexually be a V but emotionally an equal triad. Or a triad may be sexually and emotionally a V where the partners would split if the focus of their relationship left them.

Wow, so you’ve got a girlfriend already who’s all full of the crazies and she’s not enough to satisfy you so you want another messed up chick to throw into the mix? I guess some people just like masochism. Also, the “Vee” thing was pretty self-explanatory Einstein. If you have to explain that then maybe your standards for this “smart chick” you seek are pretty low.

And what’s with the 4 random pictures of things you like?

Geeky guy for smart chick

Guy? Check.
House? Check.

Even still, this personals ad may be leaving a bit to be desired…

I am palestinian american,and I love to have an all american female to share my life, I live in a nice house and have a nice job, all what I am missing is you, let me hear from you.

It’s nice to know a guy has a decent job and doesn’t live with his parents, but is that enough to start a relationship?

Sadly in this economy it probably is.

seeking my all american dream - m4w - 38

To the woman that crapped in my car… - m4w

I am hoping that this post finds you. I know that it could quite possibly be the most humiliating first date that you have ever been on, but I am willing to look past that.

I thought we had chemistry sitting at McMenamins sharing that basket of Cajun Tots while drinking the Terminator Stout. I really felt like there was a connection there. I found you to be intelligent and witty and looked forward to further conversation with you.

At some point in life, everyone has gambled on a fart and lost. It just happened to be on a first date in the passenger seat of my car. Please don’t feel bad. The package I sent you with Pepto the next day and the note that said “First dates are always a crap shoot. Call me” was meant to be funny, not offensive.

I have gambled on a fart and lost on multiple occasions. The first time I did it was very memorable. It happened when I was five and sitting on my uncle’s lap. I am lactose intolerant, but love cheese. I probably win 95% of the time, but I don’t think anyone wins 100% of the time. That’s why they call it “gambling”. I’m the last person to judge you for crapping your pants. In fact, I am impressed by your boldness. The timing on the other hand, could have been a tad bit better…like when you’re not sitting on a heated leather seat…

What I am trying to say is that if you want to go out again, I would be more than happy to take you someplace where we can get a meal that is high in fiber and less taxing on the digestive tract.

I await your call, Tad

P.S. - If you shat yourself on purpose to end the evening early…Touché…”

Personally, I’m not a gambling man…

Source

It’s kind of strange when people say mundane things like “When I like a movie I’ll see it again.” Umm, yeah… me too. I also like to eat food at my favorite restaurant and talk to friends. We have so much in common!

From the personals ad:

I like things orderly for example, it irritates me when roadmaps aren’t folded c - 32 (District Of Columbia)

I’m free as a bird ready to fly with the right eagle. I am 5′3″ with shoulder-length lt. brown hair and a pretty face. When I like a movie I’ll see it again with friends and family. I dig all kinds of movies. Examples would be Amores perros, Snatch, and The Apartment. I’m considerate. I like things orderly for example, it irritates me when roadmaps aren’t folded correctly. What do you want to learn about me?

But above all else, it seems that the most important thing to this woman is that you know how she feels about folded roadmaps. It’s the reason she killed her ex husband.

I like things orderly for example, it irritates me when roadmaps aren’t folded c - 32

So apparently there are 2 bored girls on a couch who want your company. Sounds good…

From the personals ad:

two nips on a couch - 19
Hi.

The title basically says it all, we’re just two girls sitting on a couch being bored on a Wednesday night.
How would you like to join us, how would that make you feel? Because we would really enjoy the company of a man or two.

If you are interesting in sitting on a couch with two very attractive ladies, email us!

Make the subject line Lampshade or we wont respond.

Larry.

Dammit Larry! I’m not falling for that again… there are no girls… you’re just going to hit me on the head with a lampshade and rob me blind again.

two nips on a couch - 19